Domestic violence among seniors: The invisible crisis in old age

Old age is considered a more peaceful phase of life. Finally, there's more time, fewer responsibilities, and a retreat into private life. But not everyone finds this peace. Even in old age, people experience domestic violence – a problem that is far too rarely recognized.

The number of documented cases of domestic violence has risen significantly in recent years. According to the Federal Criminal Police Office (BKA), it has increased by 19.5 percent since 2019, reaching approximately 256,000 cases in 2023 (as of June 2024). Young people under the age of 21 are particularly frequently affected, but older people are also in the risk group. Almost 12 percent of those affected are over 60. Experts also assume a high number of unreported cases, as many victims do not seek help due to shame, fear, or addiction.

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This is exactly what "Paula" confirms. The Cologne-based association is the only specialized counseling center for women over 60 in Germany. The counselors there experience that many affected women only react when the issue becomes public. "After public reports about the issue, many women suddenly come forward – even nationwide. We often hear phrases like: 'I thought it was too late for me,'" says Denise Klein, head of the "Visible and Safe – Protection from Violence for Older and Very Old Women" project at "Paula."

Many of the women had previously visited general counseling centers, but didn't feel they were in the right place. The problem: Many counseling or intervention centers only offer three to five crisis intervention sessions, explains Klein. However, older and very elderly women in particular need significantly longer support to be able to make a sound decision—for example, whether to separate or remain in the relationship.

But how does violence arise in old age? Violent situations rarely arise out of nowhere. "They usually occur within the context of a violent dynamic that began many years earlier," Klein explains. Often, relationships that become violent in old age have long been characterized by psychological or structural violence.

And sometimes the violence escalates to extremes. "One in four femicides was committed against a woman over 60," Klein says, referring to BKA figures from the 2023 Federal Situation Report. What's particularly dangerous is that perpetrators in this age group often believe they have no future prospects without their partner. Out of desperation or loss of control, violence can then appear as a last resort—with threats like: "If you leave, I'll kill us both."

But before it gets that far, many different factors come into play. Many older women grew up with violence – in childhood or within marriage – and learned to endure it silently. "In 1997, rape within marriage became a criminal offense. The Protection Against Violence Act only came into force in 2002. This means that women lived for decades in marriages in which they were legally and socially obligated to fulfill marital duties – without at the same time having any protection against violence," explains Klein. "Older women often have a long history of violence behind them, embedded in a system of control and submission," says Paola Delgado Klamroth, psychologist and board member of the Professional Association of German Psychologists.

Economic dependence further exacerbates the situation. Women who have given up their careers to raise their families have low pensions in old age, and property is often registered in the husband's name. Illness or the need for care can further escalate a tense situation.

The psychological and physical consequences are enormous: high blood pressure, cardiac arrhythmia, constant tension, and anxiety are among the complaints counselors repeatedly hear. These women's self-esteem declines over decades, and shame and guilt are deeply rooted, explains Delgado Klamroth. Many eventually perceive themselves as a burden.

Finding support, however, isn't easy. "Existing protection and support services are inadequately tailored to the needs of older women," says Juliane Fieger of the Women's Shelter Coordination Association. She argues that women's shelters are mostly designed for young mothers. Accessible spaces are lacking, and care services jeopardize anonymity. "There is a need for significantly more specialized counseling and support services explicitly aimed at older women affected by this."

Then there's the question of financing. "Retirees have to cover the costs of staying in a women's shelter themselves. For many, this is simply unaffordable," explains Fieger. This generally applies to all age groups, but while younger women are often entitled to support from job centers or social assistance, many seniors with small pensions fall through the cracks.

A different form of support is therefore particularly important for older people affected. "Outreach counseling is essential if you want to reach this target group," says Klein. This refers to services where counselors meet women not necessarily in their homes, but rather, for example, in a café or in the community – low-threshold settings that build trust.

An additional problem is the isolation of many of those affected. "Older women often have a very limited support network," explains psychologist Delgado Klamroth. Those who are no longer connected or lack access to digital information often don't even know that help is available.

The police try to act with particular caution in suspected cases of domestic violence. "For example, during the initial consultation, we emphasize clear, respectful communication, as shame and fear often play a significant role," explains Antje Westermann of the Lower Saxony State Criminal Police Office. Any abnormalities such as injuries, statements, or traces found in the home are documented, and counseling centers or doctors are also consulted.

In acute cases, protective measures such as eviction orders (a police measure in which the person who committed domestic violence is expelled from a shared residence) or restraining orders can be effective. "In practice, however, this presents particular difficulties for older victims," ​​Westermann says. Many are strongly tied to their homes because they live there without barriers or receive nursing care. Moving to a shelter is difficult to implement, either organizationally or health-wise.

But the environment also plays an important role. Westermann advises paying close attention to recurring injuries, sudden withdrawal, or noticeable anxiety. "In acute danger, call the police immediately on 110," she emphasizes. In less acute cases, it's advisable to seek a sensitive conversation – without accusations, but with a clear message: "You are not alone, there is help."

"Women are usually happy when someone looks at them and speaks to them," says Denise Klein. "Even if they react defensively at first, it shows that someone is taking me seriously."

But as important as taking action in the personal environment is, gaps remain in the support system. "Domestic violence in old age is often relegated to the area of ​​aging and care – and not recognized for what it is: violence against women," criticizes project manager Klein. For example, the Paula association in North Rhine-Westphalia had submitted an application to be included in the statewide violence support plan as a specialist counseling center for older victims. "But our application was simply relegated to the department of aging and care – without consulting us," says Klein. "This automatically treats the issue as a care problem. But this isn't about care, it's about protection against violence – that is, about safe accommodation, legal protection instruments, specialized counseling centers, or accessible places in women's shelters."

The problem doesn't only affect women, of course. While they are more frequently affected, men also experience domestic violence – and face similar hurdles in old age: dependency, shame, isolation. Existing structures have so far offered them few suitable points of contact. This makes it all the more important to expand support services so that they are fair to all those affected – regardless of gender and age.